Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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