i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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