did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
