im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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