I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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