How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
