Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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