I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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