I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
