Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
