Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
