My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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