Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
