I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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