You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
