she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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