my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
