So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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