There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
