i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
