your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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