If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
