Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
