can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
