Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
