i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
