And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
