apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
