You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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