He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
