On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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