I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she looked like the before picture.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
