is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
