Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
