You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
