Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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