Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I party with great urgency now.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
