please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
