Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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