Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
