I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
