your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
