I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
