Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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