i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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