i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
