i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
