why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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