Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
