I can't breathe out the right side of my face
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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