Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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