Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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