i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
